I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
