did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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