I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
