Pants 0. Shit 1.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
