did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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