I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
