it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My pussy is not your playground.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
