You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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