You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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