the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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