Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
