So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
