I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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