I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
