Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
