I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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