I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
