I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
