Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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