oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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