My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
