I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
