Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
