your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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