I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
