I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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