Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
