i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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