i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
