i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
