I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
