holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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