The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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