cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
