He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
