Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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