I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
