I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
