We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
