I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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