remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
