I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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