went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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