i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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