with your own penis?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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