...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
