so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
