I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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