I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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