Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
