Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
