John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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