dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
