the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
