i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
