I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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