I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
