I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
