if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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