What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
