When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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