I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
