Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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