i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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