I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
