he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
