p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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