Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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