He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.