I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
