There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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