btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
